Documenting my tireless work for the greatest restoration company in the world.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Godzilla hates York Restoration Corporation

It's true: Godzilla's a big jerk.

Poor guy's already had a crappy day. He works in an office in Manhattan! He's stressed out, his workplace probably just got reorganized, and now Godzilla has the guff to not only steal his cab, but also crush the poor office worker? C'mon.

Office guy works in Queens. He's tired of his suck-up boss brown nosing the CEO. He's got a mortgage and kids and a 401K. Geez, Godzilla, give him a break.

York Restoration worked along side me to fix Godzilla's handiwork. For our troubles, Godzilla signed our email accounts up for spam and tried to put our apartments on the market, flooding our phones with duped apartment-seekers making offers. It was absolute heck to get our lives put back together after Godzilla's nasty pranks!

Next time, Godzilla, get someone besides Roland Emerich and Matthew Broderick to give you "pranking" advice. That stuff was over the line, pal.

This post brought to you by York Restoration Corporation

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Book of Eli - threatening Queens with implied apocalypse - get past York Restoration Corporation first

Lots of stylized violence and Dark Ages technology can't keep the Big Apple down. I could believe Training Day, Mr. Washington, but anything that plays off the US as a giant deserted wasteland, filled with sand and guys with knives angled like boomerangs sorely underestimates my and York Restoration's dedication to keeping New York upright and filled with buildings.

No, sir! Not without that good fight! We'll pound the book-burners and sand-blowers that Universal apparently hired to create a fake beach with no water. Not without that good fight. Queens shall live on.

You see, York and I are both avid book collectors in addition to being super-human building restoration experts. Queen's on lockdown, Manhattan's cooler than Cuba, heck - even Staten Island can rest easy - we rebuild the buildings AND protect the literature.

I keep a secret vault deep within the earth. York Restoration Corporation might or might not have its own equivalent hidden in a fortress on a jungle island, possibly in a fortress inside a volcano. Possibly.

I refuse to gossip.

Suffice to say, New York, you can rest easy knowing Hollywood and Denzel Washington won't be responsible for turning Long Island City into a book-less Mojave. Not on our watch.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Iron Man! Don't let them destroy New York! York Restoration Corporation's here.

Well, the upcoming Summer season's on its way, and while I can say this year looks better than, say, the Summer of Hollywood's obsession with Armageddon movies, it's not exactly a walk in the park. Let's start off with the one that's likely inconvenienced you lately, Iron Man 2 - Electric Boogaloo.

At least Iron Man wouldn't go out of his way to blow up New York's buildings, right? Myself and York Restoration Corporation can rest easy?

Wait a minute, Iron Man! That's Corona Park, except, smaller! You couldn't possibly be thinking about destroying it, COULD YOU?

Nah, it's probably just a misunderstanding. Though, really - you look at those eyes, you can tell he's thinking some pretty dark thoughts about Corona Park. I guess I can sympathize, but that doesn't mean you need to make a bunch of work for me or York Restoration Corporation! No thank you, sir!

Probably it'll be some weird guy with electric whips who comes and destroys Queens. Wait, what's this?

GAH! MICKEY ROURKE!?!? What did New York, myself, and York Restoration Corporation do to deserve this kind of punishment?!?

Please, WhiplashMickeyRourke! Don't hurt my beautiful buildings!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Someone call me, or get on the line with York Restoration! A Queens landmark needs help!

There’s a landmark building out in Queens that’s in desperate need of an expert building restoration contractor. It’s literally falling in on itself, with walls bowing in and out, visible holes in the ceiling. It’s to the point where the city bureaucracy is actually suing the owner to get the work done. Insane.

Anyway, there’s a time to send up the white flag and call in experts. For a project like this, call in the experts! I'm here, but I'm pretty busy working on resetting Manhattan from a series of B-level zombie attacks. I suggest, in my place, you call in York Restoration Corporation.

York Restoration Corporation is a restoration company in Maspeth, New York City. In Queens! They’re experts in restoring the outside of the building, ass the brick, concrete, fiberglass, stone – all the structural stuff that’s often the most difficult to make perfect. Seals, windows, seams, too. Anything that might let in a little water, or out a little heat. York’s also the contractor of choice when your home needs a little sprucing-up, or when a DIY project spirals out of control. They handle upkeep and maintenance, as well.

Whoever ends up doing the work, it needs to get done. Fast. When an historic building – a landmark building whose continued existence in a city renowned for its tear-down-and-build-anew policy – is allowed to degrade to the point where it’s considered a neighborhood hazard, something or someone needs to change.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The rumors fly - zombies coming to chew on my restorations?

New York's been fairly "lucky" so far as the zombie problem goes. Thus far, we've only been attacked by cranky super-albinos with fairly mighty incisors.

York Restoration Corporation Beaver

Luckily, the Prince of Bel-Air was here to save us! The Prince wears many hats, and ass-kicking, Doggie-loving, AR-16-wielding super-scientist is just one of those!

York Restoration Corporation Grr, Will Smith

So! Believe me when I say that I'm nervous about the prospects of a fresh zombie invasion from the UK, in the form of Danny Boyle's slightly misshapen head. Yes! 28 Months Later, long rumored, still rumored, but also much-hoped for, has yet again been rumored to be beginning!

Which means a fresh round of me worrying for my building restorations in New York City! Darn it all. And that sound track! So urgent, creepy, and ugh! I'd hate to have to listen to that over and over again as we the people of New York wait again for Will Smith to save us from British zombies with bad teeth, natch.

York Restoration Corporation 28 Months Later

Where will they invade next? One alleged casting director says either the UK or Australia, but you can never completely scratch New York City off any apocalyptic movie's list.

This post brought to you by York Restoration Corporation

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

York Restoration Corporation's been warned: more New York destruction is on the way

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Looks like we'll be staring down JJ Abram's shaky-cam monster once again, thanks to a title tentatively titled "Cloverfield 2: Hipster Kids Still Inexplicably Own Park-View Columbus Circle Apartments on the 56th Floor of a Brand New Building."

That greasy, slimy, octo-limbed thing tore the hell out of my most recent york restorations. Corporations will need to be brought in to make sure this thing doesn't get too out of hand.

I mean, what's the deal - I thought we took care of both the annoying trustfund kids AND the monster with that nuke at the end. Was it all for naught? Did we drop the big one on the world's best city, and then rebuild it in the space of a few days, all to let this jerk who can't compose a cogent narrative (even with the space and time 6 seasons' worth of storytelling allows) send another monster kicking and birthing other little annoying monsters who cause spontaneous subconjuctival hemorrhages (and other nastiness, like killing off the sole interesting character) through our city?

I say no!

Go away, JJ. We don't want your stringy version of sci-fi dropping elephant-sized deuces all over Central Park again. Thanks.

This post brought to you by York Restoration Corporation

Monday, April 12, 2010

George York's Restoration Company Saves My Queens Restoration!

Restoration York Corporation: Building Restoration NYC York

Queens, NYC -

George York restoration company, founder and CEO of York Restoration Corporation, made me a happy building restoration expert yesterday. He restored one of my previous restorations! They have a pretty good construction/york restoration blog, too.

This was after one alien invasion or another, sometime around 1996. It may've been the Independence Day invasion with Will Smith. I can't quite recall. Anyway, so I successfully restored this 16-story building about twenty years ago, and it was doing fairly poorly in the interim. I believe the building's owner fell on hard times, and the building suffered because of it.

Ownership changed hands, and suddenly the building was flush with cash! I wasn't able to handle the restoration, what with restoring the rest of New York City after a Super-shark attack ruined much of the financial district (thanks, B-movies), so I passed the business along to George York.

I'm proud to say that the building's looking great and is back to its original shape. Maybe even better.

Cheers, and I bet the people around the building in Queens are very happy as well.

Brought to you by York Restoration Corporation!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Devil-kin and Monsters Creating More Building Restoration Work

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This big green thing is about to make a whole bunch of building restoration work for me!

Well then, guess what time it is? Looks to me like it's New York restoration time! Buildings, bridges, streets, utilities - all looking like they'll need restoration experts like myself trooping in to clean up after another monster/alien/devil-kin/explosion.

Another explosion. Sigh

Ah well, at least I have regular work, right? Can't complain too much. It's just - it's painful to see your hard work torn down time after time, day after day. New York restoration is often a thankless job, or else why would they continuously tear down my efforts? It's enough to make a building restoration expert like myself question his dedication.

And get this - now even video games are starting to blow up New York. Really?!? Seriously? Come on, guys - give New York restoration a break, please.

Sigh. Until that day, I'll be over here, quietly cleaning up the city.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Company

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Someone made a nice compilation of all my work being undone

Nicely done, Entertainment Weekly! Only a few instances of total destruction are missing from this collection of the world's tendency to undo my constant reconstruction in a matter of minutes.

Well, we all gotta make a living somehow, and unfortunately, mine's picking up the pieces after another jolly space monster romps through the best city in the world.

So what's the deal? Let's get down to brass tacks here. Why the heck does everyone want to point a giant wave at Times Square (other than the ubiquitous annoying tourists)? Why float all your angry aliens over the happy Apple? There's some kind of psychology going on, and as happy as my restoration company is to have lots of business, we're all a little tired of restoring buildings - especially the same buildings - over and over.

Let's send in the celebrity psychologists. We need answers.


This entry brought to you by York Restoration Company

Monday, February 8, 2010

Aragorn is blowing up my shizzle

Why is the Lord of The Rings blowing up all my awesome work? Well, he wants to make a disheartening, apocalyptic snorefest out of the entire United States. Then he wants to pander for some Oscar-talk, but that won't happen.

And it looks like he's done a good job of blowing up the world. Ah well, back to work, then. Manhattan must be restored!

Oh, and he wants Omar from The Wire to be a cannibal! What's the deal with that, Aragorn?

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Corp

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Just for a change, no buildings to restore today

She's a beautiful city. I'm guessing building restoration will be needed in the near future; for now, though, let's just enjoy the view.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Corporation

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Live Free or Restore Buildings

Once again, Bruce Willis thinks very little of how hard I work at restoring buildings for a living. He tells me to live free? I tell him to go restore a building or two, then see what "living free" really means. It's the feeling of getting up before the sun and putting on a set of battered steel-toe boots. A breakfast of two fried eggs, an orange or an apple (whichever Nancy bought for me), a couple of glasses of water, half a pot of coffee, a Snickers bar, and maybe some granola. Then, it's off to the bathtub for a relaxing soak with scented bath beads. Usually, sage-scented, unless they were out of sage at the Bed Bath and Beyond, and then I'll try one of the other random bath bead scents that I don't like nearly as much as the sage scent. I try not to get worked up about it but a man has a routine in the morning and breaking that routine can be a frustrating experience, as I've tried to explain - gently! - to whichever associate I happen to speak with at the local BB&Beyond. Sage is part of my morning routine. Finally, it's time to go restore buildings all day.

So, Bruce Willis - I'd say come spend a day in my sage-scented shoes. Come see what it's really like to Live Free or Restore Buildings.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Company