Documenting my tireless work for the greatest restoration company in the world.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Bruce Willis needs to help me restore the Chrysler Building

He did a piss-poor job of stopping the meteors from destroying the top-half of the darn thing. I doubt Mr. Willis even considered the amount of time, energy and sweat that went into restoring the natural beauty of the Chrysler Building the last time something beat the heck out of it.

If he did, and still didn't care enough to keep an 8-ton space rock from hitting it? Well, me and Bruce are going to have words.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Corp

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Zombies visit; yet more building restoration

Will Smith saved us from the zombie apocalypse, but guess who has to clean up after him? That's right, yours truly, the building restoration master. I didn't expect zombies to be polite about destroying my beautiful city, but I would've hoped they'd at least left the roofs alone. That's hard work, restoring a roof of a big ol' building.

Thanks for saving the world and all, Will, but next time, make the zombies allergic to knocking down buildings. Thanks.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Corporation

Monday, November 30, 2009

Aliens, again.

You can't see it, but this is Tom Cruise reacting to the erasure of all my building restoration work on downtown NYC. By? Aliens. Again. So boring.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Company

Monday, November 23, 2009

Now we're restoring buildings in the cold.

Well this time, we can only blame ourselves. Why didn't I think of this the day after yesterday? I'm busy at work, restoring buildings, for one. There's nothing more frustrating than restoring the Chrysler Building, only to see it ruined by a giant tidal wave followed by spontaneous freezing.

Jake Gylenhall warned us, but ultimately we had to go out and restore those buildings, even in the freezing cold. He was right about one thing - those wolves are hungry. And mean.

If only we'd listened to Al Gore! Well, I'm off to go restore the New York Public library and play with the penguins.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Corp

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Someone tell that damn gorilla to get off; I'm trying to restore a building over here

Here I am, almost finished with restoring the Empire State Building, when this stupid monkey climbs up and starts knocking out windows & breaking buttresses, all while holding this poor blonde lady. Talk about annoying!

Funny thing is, the porter told me the exact same thing happened like fifty years ago to another building restoration expert! Guy was repairing some bird damage when another giant ape climbed the building with another blonde dame. Poor thing ended up shot to pieces. I guess that's what you get when you keep a man from finishing his building restoration.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Corporation

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

More building restoration, thanks to the aliens from Independence Day

Yep. Thanks a lot, aliens. Really appreciate that assist on the whole blowing up the empire state building. Great job. Now we've got to restore the entire building to its original luster so it can be blown up next week by... super villains? Who knows.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Company

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Cloverfield monster building restoration

All over new york, people are restoring buildings. Why? Because New York keeps getting attacked by monsters.

The restoration process is an expensive one. When that weird looking monster from Cloverfield came through and blew the hell out of downtown, we all pledged we'd rebuild. But think of the billions of dollars that stupid thing did just with its tail!

On one hand, it's nice to see everyone working together to rebuild our buildings. I mean, building restoration is now one of the most profitable industries to work in! On the other hand, it's annoying because you know it's just a few months before some other monster comes blowing through town, and then it's back to restoring buildings all day.


This entry brought to you by York Restoration Corp

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Building restorations can be threatened by aliens, monsters, and weather

But marshmallows, too? C'mon.

How could marshmallows hate building restoration? It doesn't make sense, but there it is. I never knew marshmallows had so much hate in them.

Hatred of building restorations is one of the most common and destructive delusions for marshmallows, and it afflicts marshmallows' mind almost every day. To solve the problem of hatred of building restorations we first need to recognize hatred of building restorations within marshmallows' minds, acknowledge how it harms both marshmallows and SMOREs, and appreciate the benefits of building restoration. We then need to apply practical methods in marshamallows' daily life to reduce our hatred of building restorations and finally to prevent it from arising at all.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Corporation

Sunday, August 9, 2009

At least I'm not in LA, restoring buildings

That looks like a heck of a project.

But no job's too big for the professionals who restore buildings for a living. Consummate professionals, we are.

It looks like it's gonna be a busy week.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Company

Monday, July 13, 2009

Building restorations can't be done without a bridge

I'm gonna have to beg you bridge restoration experts to help us building restoration experts with the Brooklyn Bridge after some B-movie called "Aftershock" (released straight to video) ruined the bridge, making it impossible to get back to Manhattan. I've got to get downtown to fix up some water damage, thanks to "Deep Impact."

Frodo Baggins will lead us into the future as the new president of the US. I think that's how the plot goes.

- #1 building restorer

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Corporation

Sunday, May 31, 2009

David Bowie's daughter is a building restoration expert!

You'd think that the daughter of a famous musician would be a musician, or at least a layabout. Instead? She's a restoration expert! Who would've guessed? She took over the New York Christmas Tree Factory restoration project after Godzilla trashed 60% of Queens.

It's good to know that no matter your background, no matter the money you came from or who your daddy is, no matter if you guest-starred in Disney's "The Labyrinth" as the baby with the power (what power?!?), you can still be anything you want - even a building restoration expert!

What a great day for buildings.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Company

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Sex and the City destroys NYC, my building restoration

Ok, I cheated a little here, but the very existence of these people makes me hate life. Even, sometimes, makes me hate... building restoration. I didn't think that could ever happen, but here we are. I pray someday someone will have the sense to make these aberrations disappear permanently, but until that day, I'll keep a salt lick in the back of my building restoration van. Just in case.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Corporation

Thursday, March 5, 2009

When worlds collide... building restoration is needed

About 50 years ago, a rogue planet collided with Earth. Strangely enough, we survived as a species, but poor New York City, for some reason, was flooded with water. This was when I was knee-high to a grasshopper, barely able to swing a hammer to help my dad restore Chomper's dog house. That was a fine, early step in my long journey towards becoming the world's best building restoration expert.

Anyway, I remember we were in the backyard of my dad's house out in Queens when the klaxon went off. It was the first time I can remember my pa being called into the line of duty. "Well, son," he said. "Looks like your old man is gonna have to go put the big city back in order again."

And off he went. He's my inspiration, the reason I get up every day. I keep restoring Manhattan's buildings with the dream that I, someday, could be considered to be as great a building restoration expert as he.

Love ya, old man.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Company

Friday, February 27, 2009

Snake Plissken - the near future's next best building restorer

Sure, he turns most of New York into a crumbling wasteland, but when some jerk transforms my city into a giant prison? I'd say a crumbling wasteland is an improvement. It's a blank slate! A piece of paper is not the absence of something, but the open vessel upon which limitless potential is waiting to be unlocked. Mr. Plissken gets that. He'll be shipped off to Los Angeles before he gets a chance to truly restore New York to its original glory (as I'm sure he would, being a professional building restoration expert like myself), but who knows? Maybe he'll get a chance to come back and make another sequel. Kurt Russel isn't exactly raking in the jobs right now.

This entry brought to you by York Restoration Corp